What a Difference a State Makes

by Sharon Kayne

My husband and I drove to northeastern Oklahoma last week to visit my brother and his family. We’ve made the drive from Albuquerque many times, and I’m always struck by how much you can tell about a state based on the signs you pass as you’re driving through it.

For example, you can tell you’re about to leave New Mexico when you start seeing billboards that count down the milage to the last place you can legally buy cannabis. Once you cross into Texas, you start seeing billboards for the lawyers to call in the event that you’re arrested for having said cannabis on you. You also begin seeing lots of billboards for Jesus, who is proclaimed to be the answer to all of your problems (except, apparently, your cannabis possession). We saw one billboard that implied human babies are, in fact, proof of the existence of God—although it did not specify whether it was human babies in general, or the one baby pictured in particular. Amarillo, interestingly, also has billboards advertising two different “adult entertainment stores” (which are “sex shops” to the rest of us). I also saw one billboard proclaiming that God was the answer to your sex addiction, although it wasn’t actually in Amarillo (which was a shame, because, apparently, that town caters to people with that affliction).

And even though Amarillo is in the bible belt—and gluttony is frowned upon in the Old Testament—it’s home to The Big Texan steak house, where you can famously get a 72-ounce steak free of charge—but only if you eat it and all its trimmings (a shrimp cocktail, baked potato, salad, and a roll with butter) in one hour. An astonishing 10,000-plus people have won this challenge, but lest you think it’s easy, that amounts to just 12 percent of the people who have tried. If you lose the challenge, you must pay for the meal, which is appropriately priced at 72 bucks. But you may take your leftovers home.

Gluttony encouragement aside, Jesus has lots of great roadside marketing all through the Lone Star state. As you approach Groom (just east of Amarillo), you can’t miss the enormous steel cross, which was dubbed a “Titanic Texas Tribute” by RoadsideAmerica.com, which tells us it’s 19 stories high, weighs in at 2.5 million pounds, and was bankrolled by a Texas millionaire. It’s owned by the nonprofit Cross Ministries, which explains that the cross was originally going to be a spiritual billboard. While the website doesn’t say how a billboard ballooned into a 190-foot cross, that story’s probably detailed in the audio CD “God’s Timing,” which you can purchase in the gift shop. Besides the gift shop and enormous cross, the site also contains life-sized bronze statues depicting the stations of the cross, a bronze re-creation of the last supper, an empty tomb symbolizing the resurrection, and much, much more.

If you’re driving past the Groom cross, you can’t help but notice the nearby leaning water tower. I’m pleased to tell you that it is not actually falling down. It was, oddly enough, erected at a tilt on purpose. RoadsideAmerica.com has all the details on who put it up that way and why. Interestingly, the millionaire who erected the leaning water tower also donated the land on which the gigantic cross sits (although a different millionaire paid to have the cross built—but not at an angle).

Once we got through Texas, the billboards in Oklahoma seemed slightly more understated. Their road signs were mostly concerned with letting you know that you don’t want to hit their road workers because it will net you a $10,000 fine. Personally, a hefty fine is not the first or best reason I have for wanting to avoid running someone over. Once we got into town, I saw a sign for a gubernatorial candidate who was proudly running as a MAGA Republican. It was next to a campaign sign for lieutenant governor touting that he was endorsed by Trump. I had no idea candidates were linking themselves to a man the majority of the country thinks is doing a terrible job (and is likely a lunatic), but apparently that’s not a problem in Oklahoma.

In all, I had a wonderful trip. It was great to visit family, and I got to see my nephew in a local production of “Shrek the Musical, Jr.” He had the titular role, which he did with a Scottish burr, and he was fabulous. But it’s always good to get home again. Especially because here the billboards don’t shout at me about accepting Jesus as my savior, buying sex toys, or challenging me to eat a steak larger than my head.

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Buy my historical romances, This Restless Sea, The Green Silk Gown, and Variations on a Romance, at Amazon.