Getting a Grip on Guy Things

by Sharon Kayne

There are very few “guy things” I feel I am really knowledgeable about. I can drive a car with a standard transmission, and I’ve always considered that a guy thing. I can use power tools and I’m pretty handy with home repairs and those are sort of guy things. But that’s the extent of my guy repertoire. Or so I once thought. Recently, though, I found out that I’m actually rather knowledgeable about another guy thing: Circumcision.

I discovered that not only am I knowledgeable about this particular guy thing—I’m actually more knowledgeable (with more, varied first-hand experiences) than many guys. I discovered this during a conversation with a guy friend of mine. I don’t recall how the subject came up during the course of our discourse, but once it did, I found myself explaining to this guy friend the relative differences between the edited and unedited versions of the male monolith. And, much to my surprise, the skinny on circumcision was all virgin ground for him. I realized that, despite the fact that this guy had a monolith of his very own, his point of reference was quite limited. In fact, it ended only a few inches from where it began. Apparently, when men are gathered in gym locker rooms and around urinals, there is an unspoken rule: You don’t stare. In fact, I don’t think you even glance furtively about. So men (at least the heterosexual ones) are in the dark about the general status of other members of their all-male club.

I, on the other hand, have had up-close and personal encounters with a number of members-at-large. And although these encounters have been in places that are generally not as brightly lit as, say, gym locker rooms, I’ve had ample time for serious study. So, comparatively, that makes me rather an expert on the subject. Coming to that realization was a heady experience, I must say.

I’d like to point out, for all you guys who’ve always wondered, there’s really no difference between the two types of staffs when the flag, as it were, is flying at full mast. The difference is only apparent when the soldiers are at ease. And even then the difference between the soldiers in uniform and the soldiers out of uniform is really no big deal.

What is a big deal, as far as I’m concerned, is the fact that circumcision is still in common practice. I was in the baby nursery at a hospital not too long ago and I had the distinct displeasure of witnessing the tail end of a foreskin removal procedure. The doctor (who was a woman, mind you) had some poor baby boy—legs splayed apart—strapped down to the ‘circ’ table. There was tons of blood and iodine everywhere. But this doctor was casually chatting away with a nurse about something inane like what she was going to fix for dinner that night, as if genital mutilation was a common, everyday occurrence no more barbaric than peeling a banana.

Of course genital mutilation is a common, everyday occurrence. But only in America (and, of course, Israel where at least they have some semblance of a reason for doing it). And it’s far more barbaric than peeling fruits or vegetables of any kind. The official medical excuse for circumcision is that personal hygiene is improved with the skin removed. But I think that, speaking from a Darwinian perspective, if men were terribly hindered by their foreskins, a genetically superior strain of men born without foreskins would, over time, emerge, and the inferior, skin-­encumbered men would eventually die off. That hasn’t happened. So I suspect the foreskin serves some purpose or, at the very least, poses no serious threat. After all, bananas don’t grow on trees without skins, and there’s a really good reason for that.

Fortunately the circumcision trend is deflating. It’s not deflating fast enough for me, but I try not to let it get under my skin. And I still enjoy the fact that as a woman I have a handle on a guy thing that guys themselves can only grasp at in the dark. Knowledge like that is enough to give a girl a swollen head.

This classic Citizen Kayne column was originally published the week of Nov. 11-18, 1999, in Crosswinds Weekly, an alternative newspaper based in Albuquerque, NM.

I post to my blog every Sunday. Follow me on Facebook or Instagram, or sign up for my monthly newsletter (here) to be informed of my new posts. Also, please follow me on Amazon, Goodreads and BookBub.

Buy my historical romances, This Restless Sea, The Green Silk Gown, and Variations on a Romance, at Amazon.