I got peed on at the park the other day. I had taken my dogs to the park so they could romp and play with the dogs that other people had brought to the park. We were all standing around chatting and watching our little ones play when Toby, who is a terribly handsome shepherd mix, went behind one of the women, lifted his leg and left his scent. Then, not too long after that, he did the same thing to me.

 

I know what you’re thinking. How could anyone just stand there and let themselves be peed on by a dog? And the answer is: it was a hit-and-run peeing. We were caught off guard and completely by surprise. Toby, who is apparently a very intelligent and crafty dog, snuck surreptitiously up behind us where he was shielded by our summer skirts (which were billowing gracefully in the breeze), and by the time the warm, wet feeling hit our skin he was done and trotting off.

 

I know what else you’re thinking. That this is a heinous, egregious act, and didn’t we raise a stink about it, and threaten all manner of legal recourse and stalk off in a huff? And the answer is: no. Neither one of us was even the least bit miffed. In fact, while I can’t speak for the other woman, I actually took it as a compliment.

 

I understand dogs pretty well. And I know they pee on things as a way of marking their territory. It’s a fluid kind of graffiti that tells the world “Fido was here.” Perhaps Toby was marking us for future reference. Perhaps in his own doggie way he was saying “I like these women, and I want to hang around them more often. I’ll leave this calling card, so all the other dogs know I have dibs.” Or perhaps Toby was expressing his desire to take us home. Either way, his act of pee-marking was a good thing (at least in his eyes) and done without an inkling of malicious intent. So, I didn’t let it dampen my spirits.

 

But it did get me thinking. What if men did that? What if men marked their territory by peeing on their stuff? That would not be a good thing. In fact, it would be down right annoying. Unfortunately, I think if pee-marking were a socially acceptable thing, there’s undoubtedly a large group of men out there who would embrace the idea. I know for a fact that men get a kick out of writing their names in the snow whenever they have occasion to pee out in the woods in winter. Men also tend to be very territorial about certain things. Like their front lawns. So instead of spending the weekend fertilizing and nurturing and grooming their front lawns, they’d spend the weekend peeing on them. And they’d probably pee on their cars and trucks, their desks at work, and, quite possibly, their box seats at the stadium.

 

I can just see it getting completely out of hand. You and your man are on your way to a potluck, and you’re trying to balance the casserole dish on your lap, and get your car door closed, and your seat belt on when you catch a glimpse of him in the rear-view mirror messing around by the trunk.

 

“Honey, what are you doing?” you ask, even though you know exactly what he’s doing. “We’re gonna be late,” you say.

 

“Nothing. I’m almost finished,” he replies.

 

You sigh a here-we-go-again sigh. “Why do you have to mark the car now? It’s late,” you say trying not to sound like a nag.

 

“Bob Dergan is gonna be there. You know what a jerk he is. He’s always trying to mark my car,” he says.

 

“I don’t care what Bob does. Hurry up. And don’t get any on your pant leg. I just got those back from the dry cleaner.” And that does it. Now you’re in a bad mood and you’re not going to have a very good time tonight even if Bob the jerk doesn’t show up, and you’re thinking “why don’t you just take the casserole and go without me because I think I’m going to cry.”

 

I know what you’re thinking. That I spend way too much time thinking about dog pee-marking and the possible consequences of guy pee-marking when I should be thinking about really important things like nuclear proliferation, government corruption and the city sales tax on groceries.

 

You’re probably right. But sometimes I do think about those things. I wonder what effect, if any, pee-marking would have on nuclear proliferation, government corruption and the city sales tax on groceries. It probably wouldn’t have much of an effect. Although I suspect it would put a damper on such things.