Chapter 4 

 

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Quil kissed me again and I gave myself over completely. Then he took my hand and led me to a sheltered spot in the sand that was hidden under a canopy of branches at the edge of the forest. He laid down on his back and pulled me toward him. I laid on my side, my head on his shoulder, one arm across his chest. His arms folded around me in response. The silence between us was comfortable.

 

It all felt so right. Almost obviously so. Why hadn’t I ever thought about this man – this warm, wonderful, fun, funny, and (let’s face it) totally hot man who was holding me in his arms like I was the most precious thing in the world – why hadn’t I ever thought about him in a romantic way? He wasn’t just boyfriend material. He was head-over-heels, crazy-about-you material. He was soul-mate material. Didn’t someone famous say that it’s hardest to see the things that are right in front of you? Or that it’s easiest to take for granted the things that are most important to you? Or something like that? I liked the idea that there were words of wisdom that explained my complete failure to clue in on something so enormous and yet so close – something I wanted so much and I had even been looking for. How I’d had no idea that what I wanted was right beside me. Seemed better than admitting I’d just been too self-centered. Or stubborn. Or just plain stupid.

 

Eventually Quil’s breathing slowed, and I realized he’d fallen asleep. I sighed and closed my eyes. I was starting to drift off, too.

 

*             *             *

 

We must have slept for a long time because when I woke up the sun was well out over the Pacific. I sat up in confusion and then looked back at Quil. He was smiling.

 

“How long have you been awake?” I asked.

 

“A while. It was so nice having you asleep on my shoulder – too nice to wake you.”

 

Then, as if on cue, both of our stomachs growled.

 

“It must be dinner time. Come on back to the house,” I said as I struggled to get up gracefully. “Mom will be thrilled.”

 

“I didn’t know she enjoyed feeding me so much.”

 

“No. She’ll be thrilled about us.”

 

“Oh,” he grinned.

 

 

We were still holding hands when we entered the kitchen where Mom was just finishing up dinner.

 

“About time you two showed up. We were about to start without you.”

 

I just stood and smiled at her. Either her mind was elsewhere, or she was being dense. Quil put his arm around me, smashing me to his side, and kissed my temple. That got her attention.

 

She stopped, a bowl of mashed potatoes still in her hands. Then she smiled. “Well, it’s about time!” Her tone was just exasperated enough to make me defensive.

 

“Mom, it might have happened sooner if I’d known about the imprinting.”

 

She paused to consider that. “You didn’t know?”

 

I just gave her the eyebrows-raised, isn’t-it-obvious look.

 

Then she put the potatoes on the table and wiped her hands on her apron. “Well, that explains a few things. Dinner’s ready,” she hollered toward the living room. I gave her a dirty look.

 

“Well, you know now and that’s what’s important,” she said. I rolled my eyes and sat down. Quil sat beside me and held my hand under the table. I’m sure I was smiling like an idiot, but I didn’t care. I’d never been so happy.

 

*             *             *

 

“Do you have to run patrol tonight?” I asked a little petulantly when he got up to leave.

 

“No, but it’s late and I really don’t think I should stay until your father throws me out.”

 

“He’s never thrown you out before.”

 

“Yeah, well, I’ve never kissed his little girl so passionately before,” he answered with a grin.

 

I walked him out the back door and closed it behind me. His goodnight kiss was much too short. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

“I’ll come by your place,” I promised.

 

I went straight to bed. I wanted to be alone with my new feelings. Since I’d caught up on my sleep from the night before with my impromptu nap on the beach with Quil this afternoon – and since I seemed to be a bit over-excited at the moment – I didn’t expect to fall asleep for a while, so I put on some music and let my mind wander. It wandered back to the dreams I’d had last night. And the kissing on the beach. That definitely wasn’t going to help me with the sleep thing.

 

One by one, everyone else headed to bed and the house fell quiet. Too quiet. I tossed for a couple of hours and then decided to get up. I went to the kitchen and pulled out Emily’s muffin recipe. They were Quil’s favorite and if I made them now, I could take them to his place first thing in the morning. I wondered if that would make me look desperate or just infatuated. I decided I didn’t care how it made me look. I’d waited way too long to feel this way – even longer than I had to, it turned out – and I was going to enjoy as much time alone with Quil as I could cram in before school started.

 

Waiting for the muffins to come out of the oven made me sleepy and as soon as I had them on the cooling rack I was back in bed. I fell asleep right away.

 

*             *             *

 

It was raining when I got up, so I decided that was a good reason why I shouldn’t bother wasting time drying my hair after my shower. I packed up the muffins and left the house before anyone else was up. Quil’s place is in a clearing just beyond the edge of the forest. It was a hand-me-down, but Quil didn’t mind. At least housing wasn’t an issue anymore. Sam was the first of the Quileute pack to marry, but Emily had her own place, so housing wasn’t an issue. Then Paul and Rachel got hitched. Neither of their family’s homes were big enough to accommodate a new couple – especially the Black house, since Jacob was still at home then. One huge wolf boy per house was more than enough. But it’s not like any of the guys in the pack could go out and get full-time jobs so they could swing their own places. Protecting the tribe from vampires was the pack’s full-time job. So, the elders decided that the tribe should offer the guys a stipend as well as their own housing – at least the guys who were married or old enough to be on their own. Since there wasn’t any money to build new homes, the guys took whatever was available. In Quil’s case it was a ramshackle, tiny one-bedroom that needed more than a little work. But it was all his and we could be alone there – a fact I had never fully appreciated before.

 

I climbed the steps to his slanted porch and then froze. Hardly anyone in La Push ever locked their doors and I’d been over at Quil’s place so much that I’d never bothered to knock. But I didn’t think I’d ever been over this early in the morning. And I knew I’d never been over when I didn’t feel anything but platonic friendship. What if he was still in bed – and maybe naked? Or in the shower – and definitely naked? I never would have even considered that before, but everything had changed. Did that mean we still followed the same you’re-like-my-big-brother rules?

 

I stood there for a minute and finally decided to knock. I had to knock a second time after waiting what seemed like ten minutes. I figured he must still be in bed, but I had no idea what to do if my knocking didn’t wake him up. Would I feel more stupid if, after knocking, I just walked in or turned around and went home?

 

Quil was still rubbing his eyes when he opened the door. He had obviously just gotten out of bed and yanked on the same pair of cutoff sweats he’d worn yesterday. He seemed happy to see me anyway.

 

“Hi beautiful,” he said, stepping aside to let me in.

 

“I woke you up. I’m sorry.”

 

“No problem. You can wake me up anytime, Sweets. Why did you knock though?”

 

“I felt awkward just walking in.”

 

“You never felt awkward about it before.”

 

“I never came over as your … your girlfriend before.” I made my statement sound too much like a question and Quil clearly did not want to pass up an opportunity to tease me a little.

 

“Oh, is that what you are now – my girlfriend,” he grinned in mock amazement. I gave him my most innocent I-don’t-know-what-you’re-talking-about look. It made him smile and he pulled me into a bear hug with both arms and kissed me. Then he backed off just as quickly.

 

“I haven’t brushed my teeth yet,” he muttered.

 

“I made you muffins,” I offered as a change of subject.

 

“You made me muffins? You must have gotten up at the crack of dawn. I’m honored.”

 

“Actually, I got up at the crack of midnight. I was having trouble falling asleep.”

 

Quil grinned. “I was a bit distracted when I went to bed last night too. And I’m still honored.” He kissed me on the forehead. “Do you mind if I take a quick shower?”

 

“Of course not.” I set the muffins down on the kitchen table, flopped down on Quil’s couch, kicked off my shoes, and flicked on the TV. Like most of the people in La Push, Quil was still watching broadcast TV. Not surprisingly, there wasn’t anything on worth watching so I gave up quickly and turned it off. I glanced around his disheveled living room. Had it always looked this way? Like college dorm meets Indiana Jones? Or was I just looking at it with a new perspective? I leaned far enough forward on the couch that I could peek into his bedroom through the doorway without actually getting up. As much as I wanted to check out his bedroom close up and in-person, the last thing I wanted was for Quil to walk in on me while I was indulging my new-found curiosity about the more private aspects of his life. I’d spent lots of time in this house. Cumulatively it had to add up to weeks – even months. Had I never been in his bedroom? I’d certainly never had any reason to be. Or did it look unfamiliar to me because I’d never really paid any attention to that room before? I felt my stomach flutter.

 

A blast of steamy air from down the short hallway announced Quil’s departure from the bathroom. Clad in just another pair of cutoff sweats, he joined me on the couch and put his arm around my shoulder. I took it as an invitation to lean my back against his bare chest. His hot shower had made him even warmer than usual. He put both arms around me.

 

“Mmm. This is nice,” he murmured.

 

“If you think this is nice you should try my muffins,” I said in my best temptress voice. I felt Quil shake but it took me a second to realize that the shaking was laughter that he was trying hard to suppress. “I meant the ones I made last night!” I blurted out when I realized my unintended double entendre.

 

Quil lost what little composure he’d had, and he laughed so hard he snorted. I tried to pull away from him, but he just held me tighter.

 

“Don’t be mad,” he crooned in my ear when his laughter had subsided. I gave up my struggle. Then he wrapped one arm under my legs and hauled me onto his lap. “That’s better. This way I can see you.”

 

I buried my face in his neck. “You just want to see me blush,” I said sounding much more like a little girl than I’d intended.

 

“If you’re going to blush, I might have to start calling you Claire-bear again,” he threatened.

 

“Ugh!” I moaned. “I made you stop calling me that when I was ten.” That thought made me curious. “Did you ever know why I made you stop?”

 

He shook his head. “I don’t think so.”

 

“I had developed a massive crush on you,” I confessed.

 

That made him smile and he gave me a that-makes-sense kind of nod. “I remember.”

 

“You knew?”

 

“Well … I strongly suspected.”

 

“Oh god. I’m so glad I didn’t know that. My ten-year-old me would have been mortified!”

 

“You were adorable.”

 

I couldn’t help but smile at that. “Thanks.”

 

“Not as adorable as when you were five and you made me promise I’d marry you one day.”

 

“I don’t remember that.”

 

“I did promise,” he smiled.

 

“This just gets worse and worse! First the imprinting. Now I find out I’ve been engaged for twelve years! Did everyone else know about that too?”

 

Quil enjoyed my mock indignation. “Technically we weren’t engaged. I never made you promise to marry me.”

 

I smiled. “Well, that’s a relief.”

 

“Can I still call you Sweets?” he asked.

 

“Definitely,” I murmured, nuzzling back against his neck. Even though he had just showered I could still smell his distinctive scent. It was musky, like a fall campfire sweetened with roasted chestnuts. I inhaled deeply and started kissing his neck. He let out a quiet moan. I moved to his throat. Then I kissed along his jaw to his ear. I felt him shutter ever so slightly. I continued, kissing along his cheek. When I kissed his eyelids, he gasped and pulled me away from him.

 

“What? Did I do something you don’t like?”

 

Quil took a deep breath. “No. I really like everything you were doing.”

 

“Then what’s the problem?” I asked, returning my lips to his neck.

 

“The problem,” he said, pulling me away again, “is that if you keep doing that, I’m going to – well, let’s just say, explode.”

 

I smiled. “Quil Ateara,” I said with mock seriousness. “Are you saying that you want me?”

 

“God, yes,” he whispered.

 

Suddenly the playful tone was gone, and I felt a quiver run through my body.

 

“I want you too,” I whispered back. 

 

We kissed again and I felt the passion rise with a new urgency. When we stopped, I thought he was going to suggest that we head into the bedroom, but he just took a deep breath and looked at me for a moment.

 

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?”

 

“Yes,” was all the answer I could manage.

 

“Because yesterday you said it might take you some time to get used to thinking about me this way.”

 

“Yeah, but that was yesterday. That was before …” I faltered. Why was I suddenly self-conscious?

 

“Before what?” he prompted.

 

“Before you kissed me,” I answered.

 

“And that was all it took?” His voice was almost incredulous. I nodded. “Wow.” We both thought about that for a moment. “Still, I don’t want you to feel like you’re rushing into anything.”

 

Now he was just being silly. “Quil,” I said in a no-nonsense voice. “We’re not rushing into anything. First,” I touched my two index fingers together like I was going to tick off a long list, “if we were a normal couple, we’d still be getting to know each other at this point. But we’re not a normal couple. We already know each other.

 

“Second, besides getting to know you, I’d still be trying to decide if I could trust you with my heart before I committed myself to you like this. But I know that too. Third, you’re not the only one who’s been waiting for the last few years. I didn’t know who I was waiting for, like you did, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t waiting too.”

 

He looked thoughtful, but not completely convinced. I tried a new argument.

 

“When you kissed me yesterday, Quil, it all made sense. It was so obvious to me that I’m in love with you. That I’ve been in love with you for a while. I couldn’t see it because I had to feel it first.”

 

Quil looked into my eyes for a long time as if he hoped to find confirmation there of everything I’d just said. He must have found it because he was kissing me again as he picked me up and carried me into the bedroom.

 

 

I helped him take off my clothes and then he explored every part of my body with his hands and lips – the swell of my breasts, the curve of my hips, the long line of my inner thigh. His bare skin felt incredible against mine – more intense, more pleasurable than anything I’d ever felt before – and it made me breathe harder; like I’d just taken a run on the beach. He must have ripped off his own shorts at some point before he positioned himself between my legs. I wanted to touch him all over too – to explore his beautiful, muscled body – but I wanted him inside me more. He entered me slowly. I couldn’t help but wince as I tore. That made Quil stop. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

 

I shook my head slightly and whispered back, “no. Don’t be.”

 

“You’ll tell me if I’m hurting you and you need me to stop?” he asked. I nodded my promise.

 

It did hurt some, but I couldn’t imagine ever wanting him to stop. There was pleasure along with the pain and I concentrated on that. He held me close as he moved slowly inside me, whispering my name in between breathy kisses on my neck and face. My arms were wrapped around him as well, my hands feeling the muscles on his back working as he moved. I found that I could increase my pleasure by moving along with him. Quil seemed to take pleasure in my movement too.

 

His rhythm increased as did his intensity until finally he let out a throaty cry – almost like a wolf’s low howl. It was a sound of extreme pleasure and complete surrender. Trembling, he lowered his head, resting it just between my breasts.

 

Eventually his breathing slowed, he pulled his head up and looked into my eyes. For a second, he seemed to be searching for the right words, like he couldn’t quite figure out how to convey what he was feeling. It was all there in his eyes, though – the amazement, the complete and utter fulfillment, the gratitude at what we had just shared. The oneness he felt with me. “I love you, Claire,” was all he finally said, and it was more than enough for me. It was everything I wanted to hear.

 

“I love you, Quil.”

 

He disentangled himself to lie next to me, pulling me onto his shoulder and folding his big arms around me. I’d never felt so right with the world. There was nothing more I could ever possibly want. I had everything that mattered. He exuded the same contentment and we laid there quietly for a while, listening to each other’s hearts beat.

 

Then his stomach growled. “Hmm. Maybe we should have some breakfast,” he ventured.

 

“You wouldn’t be so hungry if you’d had my muffins when I offered,” I said playfully.

 

He rolled over on his side to look at me. “I was under the impression that I just did,” he answered with a huge grin.

 

“Hmm. Then I would think you’d be satisfied, not hungry for more!”

 

He placed one hand under my chin. “I don’t think I’ll ever stop hungering for you,” he said before kissing me.

 

I smiled. “Yes – as a member the pack, you do have an enormous appetite.”

 

He rolled onto his back and let out a groan. “Ugh! The pack.”

 

“What about it?” I asked.

 

“I’m on patrol this evening.” He gave me a meaningful look, but I didn’t follow. “We can hear – well, really see – each other’s thoughts,” he reminded me ruefully.

 

“Oh. Right.”

 

“By the time the sun sets tonight they’ll all know about us. About this.”

 

I chewed on that thought before another popped into my head. “So, you heard about all the other guys the same way?”

 

Quil threw an arm over his eyes as if to block the memories. “Yes. Sometimes in disturbing detail.”

 

“I guess there’s no way you can hide it,” I said, hoping I was wrong.

 

“Not really. Some of the guys are better than others at keeping their minds focused on something else.”

 

“Are you good at it?”

 

“I don’t know. I never had anything this important to shield from the guys before.” He met my eyes again. “I’m really sorry about this.”

 

“It’s okay. It’s not your fault. But just so you’re warned, I might make you wear a blindfold from now on.”

 

Quil laughed, but then he was serious again. “I think it’s really only the first time that’s so hard to hide from the pack.”

 

“Why’s that?”

 

“I think because it’s so …” he searched for the right word. “Transformational.”

 

“Well, it’s certainly transformed me,” I said with a big smile.

 

Quil smiled too and then a shadow crossed over his eyes. He groaned, fell onto his back, and put his arm across his eyes again.

 

“What now?”

 

“I’m such an idiot,” he said in anguish. “We should not have had unprotected sex.”

 

I pondered that for a moment. “Yeah, I guess pregnancy would be pretty transformational too.”

 

“I’m sorry. I just wasn’t expecting anything to happen this fast,” he said.

 

Then a thought came to me. “I don’t think we really have to worry this time.”

 

“Really? Why not?” Quil sounded both hopeful and dubious.

 

“Because I don’t think I’m fertile right now.”

 

“You know when you’re fertile?”

 

“Well, not up-to-the-minute,” I conceded. “But I have a general idea. Fertility happens toward the end of the cycle and I’m in the early part of my cycle right now. Mostly, though, I can tell when I’m fertile because I feel particularly … what was the word you used yesterday? Receptive.”

 

“Really?” He sounded genuinely surprised. “I wonder why that is.”

 

“Biological imperative,” I answered with complete certainty. “I mean, think about it. The species has a much better chance of survival if procreation is as compelling as possible. Guys are receptive all the time, right?”

 

“Pretty much,” he admitted.

 

“And guys are fertile all the time too. It’s the same for most mammals – the males are always ready, but the females are only interested when they’re fertile. Makes sense, doesn’t it?”

 

“Yeah, it does. I don’t know though, you were pretty receptive today,” he said with a somewhat rueful smile.

 

“When I’m fertile, I think it’s hormonal-receptive. Today was in-love-receptive.”

 

Quil propped himself up on one elbow. “There’s a difference, is there?”

 

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

 

“Okay. But next time we take precautions.”

 

“I’m with you,” I said. “I’ll make an appointment at a Planned Parenthood. The closest one is probably in Seattle.”

 

“I’ll drive you there. We could go out for a nice dinner after. Maybe see a movie.”

 

“Oooh! Like a date, huh?” Quil just grinned in response. “Hmm ... We haven’t even been on our first date yet and I’ve already jumped into bed with you. I bet you think I’m easy,” I said with a sly smile.

 

“Oh, I know you’re easy,” he grinned. “You’re very easy to love,” he said before kissing me.

 

“So how about I make you some breakfast. Do you have any food in this joint?” I asked as I slid off the bed and started fishing around the room for my clothes.

 

“I think there’s some bacon and eggs in the fridge,” he offered. “You’re really making me breakfast? Even after making the muffins?”

 

“Quil, you’ve spoiled me my whole life. It’s time you got spoiled back a little.”

 

“I won’t argue with that,” he said, pulling on his shorts and following me into the kitchen.

 

 

Quil downed a couple of muffins while I fried up the bacon and whisked the eggs. Feeding him made me think about the pack again – as eating seemed to be second on their collective agenda to running patrols.

 

“You know, I think one reason I’d never thought about you in a romantic way before is because you’ve always seemed so much older than me. I guess because you were when I was little. But I realized yesterday that we’re the same age now.”

 

“Yeah, I suppose so.”

 

“But we won’t be for long. I’ll continue to get older, and you’ll stay the same age. At least until there are no more vampires in the area.”

 

“We’re not quite sure that’s true,” he said. “According to one of the legends, the first Quileute to take the form of a wolf was able to give it up and grow old even though the tribe still needed protection.”

 

“What made him do that,” I wondered.

 

“He wanted to grow old and die with his third wife. She was his soul mate.”

 

“It took him three wives to find his soul mate?” There was a peeved edge to my voice.

 

“Well, not everyone can be as lucky as me,” he said.

 

“Or me,” I agreed.

 

“Anyway, Sam’s thinking about giving it a try. Eli’s almost old enough to phase.”

 

“So, who will lead the pack with Sam gone?”

 

“Technically – according to blood lines, anyway – Jacob was always supposed to lead the pack. But he didn’t really want to, so he let Sam do it. Until Jacob split off to form his own pack.” A sadness that had been long buried showed briefly in Quil’s eyes. It was still a touchy subject even though things had been patched up a long time ago. It had changed the way the pack felt – the sense of complete trust and comradeship was a little bruised. Seth and Leah had been the first to follow Jacob and I didn’t know how many others had also joined him, let alone who they were. Quil didn’t talk about it much, but when he did it was with such emotion that it stood out in my mind more than most of the wolf stories he’d told me. This new information made me more curious now.

 

“Why didn’t you go off with Jacob back then? You were really good friends, right?”

 

Quil just looked at me for a moment as if he was weighing his answer. “We didn’t know if the split would be permanent or where Jacob would end up. I couldn’t accept that kind of uncertainty. I had you to think about.”

 

“You stayed with Sam’s pack because of me?”

 

“I don’t know if you realize how difficult it is for us to be away from our imprints for any length of time,” he said.

 

Imprints? That made me sound like a psychiatrist’s ink blot or something. It was kind of a cute term, though – and fitting. I decided not to object. But it made me think about how hard it must have been to spend fifteen years imprinted on someone who couldn’t – or wouldn’t – return his feelings. It made me sad.

 

“This has been really hard on you, hasn’t it? I’m so sorry,” I said.

 

“Loving you, being with you has never been hard,” he replied. “You are my world. The center of my universe.” His words made my heart sing.

 

“Although,” he said as he got up from the table and joined me at the stove, “being with you in this particular way,” he kissed my forehead and lifted my chin with his hand, “is by far my favorite way.” As he kissed me again, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me against him. The bacon was spitting in the pan, but I didn’t care.

 

 

After we had breakfast – a meal that Quil seemed to enjoy even more than usual – we turned our thoughts to how we might spend the rest of the day.

 

“I don’t know,“ Quil said, handing me a wet dish to dry. “I don’t think it’s a good idea to hang around here all day.”

 

“Why not?” I was enjoying the alone time with Quil like I never had before, and I wasn’t ready to share him with anyone else.

 

“Too tempting,” he said. “And we don’t have any protection.”

 

The word ‘protection’ made me think of vampires, but that didn’t make sense because he was the protection from vampires. Then I got it. “Oh. Right.” Then I had what I was sure was a brilliant idea. “You know we sell condoms at the grocery store.”

 

“Do you really want to go into the store where you work – where you know everyone else who works there and pretty much every customer who’s likely to be there – and buy condoms?”

 

He had a good point. “We could drive to Port Angeles,” I ventured. “Ooh, or Port Townsend! I haven’t been there in ages. We could do some window shopping along the main tourist drag. Hit the antique place. Pick up lunch. Make a day of it.”

 

“Sounds like fun,” he said. “I guess I’ll have to put on some more clothes,” he added as an afterthought.

 

I laughed. “Shirt, shoes, the whole deal. I’m sorry I’m such an inconvenience,” I said with playful sarcasm.

 

He smiled and, wiping the dish soap from his hands, pulled me to him and gave me a kiss. “You could never be an inconvenience.”

 

“It’s amazing,” I replied. “How I went from feeling like the unluckiest girl in the Pacific Northwest to winning the biggest, best lottery.”

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