Autumn Equinox

Photo by Jack Taylor on Unsplash

Chapter 2 

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I couldn’t believe I’d just done that. I just walked away from Claire, leaving her on the beach. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything like that before. I hoped she wasn’t hurt or offended, but I just couldn’t take any more of the conversation we’d been having. At least the part of the conversation I’d been having. Her part of the conversation seemed like it was about something altogether different. I’d suspected for a while that she didn’t know I’d imprinted on her. This confirmed it. But it was still hard to believe.

I told myself that I needed to think this through logically. If Claire didn’t know, then that certainly made a lot of things make a whole lot more sense. Especially this thing with Joseph. What didn’t make sense was how it was even possible that she didn’t know. That seemed illogical, so maybe that was as far as I was going to get with logic.

How could she not know? Have I not been caring enough? Devoted enough? Then it occurred to me that it could be something far worse. That she didn’t want to be with me. That thought made my stomach drop and my shoulders tense. Best not to go there – that was surely going to be a dark and ugly pit of despair if it was the truth, but there was no point in launching into it now.

Claire had pushed me to tell her how I felt – although she clearly didn’t know it was actually her I’d be telling. She’d even made the case that she had a right to know. Claire was right about that – she did have a right to know. Not just about how I felt but why I’d been such an enormous part of her life. But how could I broach such a subject? I’d loved her for the last fifteen years and been in love with her for at least the last two. That she couldn’t see how I felt made me feel stupid and more than a little insecure. I had to remind myself that I’d never been in love with anyone else, so I had no point of comparison. Plus, imprinting was something beyond regular love. I was completely out of my depth here. I had no outside experience. No insight. No clue what to do. I wondered if I should talk to Jacob. Or ask Sam.

Thinking of Sam reminded me that I was on patrol tonight and that made my mood even darker. The pack had known that something was frustrating me for a while – and I was even pretty sure they knew what it was – but the way I was feeling now was frustration on steroids with a side of humiliation. This new realization was entirely too painful to share with the whole pack, but I didn’t know how I would be able to hide it from them. I decided I needed to talk it all over with Sam today. He might not have any idea what I should do at this juncture, but just talking about it might help. I changed course and headed toward Sam and Emily’s house. Please, just let him be home and be available, I thought.

As luck would have it – bad luck – Sam wasn’t home. I could tell when Emily greeted me at the door that she could see something was wrong. I was just standing on the porch, practically immobile.

“Come on in, Quil,” Emily said with a smile. “Looks like you could use a mug of tea.”

I didn’t really want to, but I went in. It’s rude to turn down an offer of hospitality. Emily got to work making tea while hollering to the kids that they needed to go play outside for a while. When she sat down at the table across from me, she looked a little sad.

“What’s up Quil? You look like you just lost your best friend or something.”

I didn’t know what to say. I sighed instead.

“Is it Claire?”

All I could manage was a nod.

“She’s going out with that white guy, right?”

I nodded again. I wanted to cry. Maybe I should have gone straight home and cried instead of trying to talk about this when the pain was still so fresh. But the way Emily could read my face was uncanny and it occurred to me that she might have some good insight into what Claire was thinking. I decided to tell her. I took a deep breath.

“We were talking on the beach just now,” I said. Then I had to stop a bit to regain my composure. “Em, she doesn’t know that I imprinted on her.”

Emily was silent for a moment. She clearly needed to digest this piece of information. Then she asked, “what makes you say that?”

“Just stuff that she said.” I gave her the gist of the conversation we’d had and then asked, “is that even possible?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never heard of it, at least, but that doesn’t mean much. You know, the Quileute hadn’t been called to phase to protect the tribe for many, many years until your generation. So, what we know about the whole process comes either from ancient history or it’s stuff we’ve just had to figure out over the past decade or so.

“You know, I was surprised – disappointed, really – when I’d heard she was dating,” Emily said. “I didn’t know how she could do that to you. She’s not an unkind or a false person. So, actually, this makes a lot of sense. It’s kind of good news, in a way.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “How could this possibly be good news?”

“I mean in terms of how she’s been acting lately. She’s not trying to hurt you or … manipulate you.”

“Claire would never do that,” I said with complete conviction.

“I know, but it also means she doesn’t realize she’s hurting you.” Emily gave me a meaningful look.

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“Yeah, I guess that’s true,” I had to admit.

“She’s just doing what girls her age do.”

I must have looked confused, so she spelled it out for me.

“Going out. Having fun. For a woman … well … it’s important to know that you’re attractive to men. So, when a guy pays attention to you it can be pretty powerful.”

“But all I’ve done her whole life is pay attention to her!” Maybe talking to Emily wasn’t the best idea after all.

“But think about it, Quil. The kind of attention you’ve paid to her for most of her life has been very different than the kind of attention she’s craving now. My guess is she still thinks of you as a big brother.”

That stung, but I had to admit to myself that it was probably true. “I know she did when she was younger, but I guess I just assumed she’d grow out of it.” I weighed whether to ask my next question. I was dreading the kind of answer I might get, but I decided it was like pulling off a band aid: best to get all the pain over at once. “Do you think she’ll always feel that way?”

Emily gave me a sweet, motherly smile – the kind that mothers have when they’re about to tell you something that they know will hurt you. “I don’t know, Quil. I think only Claire has the answer to that.”

That was exactly what I didn’t want to hear, but I had to appreciate that Emily didn’t tell me what she knew I wanted to hear and told me the truth instead. “So what do I do?”

Her answer was immediate. Almost disturbingly so – like it was obvious: “You need to tell her how you feel.”

I kind of laughed a little. “That’s what Claire told me – when she thought I was talking about someone else.”

“And she’s right. Smart girl.” Emily paused, her gaze comforting. Empathetic. “Look, she can’t make the decision you want her to make unless she has all the information.”

I nodded. I knew she was right. I just wasn’t sure how I would approach Claire, but I decided not to ask Emily. It was better to give it some thought. Plus, if I couldn’t figure out how to tell Claire how I felt about her then I had no business being imprinted on her.

I thanked Emily for the tea and the talk. She gave me a big hug, which almost made me cry, but I was able to keep it together until I got out the door.

Then I did what most of the pack members do when we’re frustrated, angry, or just need to burn off some steam: I phased and ran off into the woods.

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Read Chapter 3